There is a lot to talk about in this episode, for one, we finally find out what Eloise’s true agenda is, but before we get into that, we have a baby belly! A beautiful reveal in the opening shot sees Nina bending over to drink from a bubbler and, there it is, a definite rounded tum. It’s adorable, and about time too.

Once that scene has served its purpose (thank you) she promptly puts on a jumper - bye bye baby - and walks home where she springs Patrick in the kitchen with Eloise, cutting vegetables. Those sexy so-and-so’s with their saucy vegetable cutting. Nina responds how any sane person would (sarcasm alert) and calls for backup, ie, her sister Billie.

“Eloise is peeling Patrick’s sweet potato,” she says, and Billie reacts with appropriate emergency and invites herself to dinner; this means we have about 30 seconds to steel ourselves for another awkward Proudman family meal.

We really should be somewhat desensitised by now, but this one still had me gnashing my teeth and looking at the screen through my fingers. “What’s an attractive woman like you doing without a boyfriend,” Billie asks in her cross examination of Eloise. If only it stopped there, but no, it mercilessly (for us as well as Eloise) continued: Don’t you think Patrick is gorgeous, how can you think straight around him, hospitals are so over-sexed, and on and on. She even said the word “secretions” which should never be said at the dinner table.

Just when I can’t take any more Nina thankfully squirrels her away by the pantry and tells Billie to STFU. She may have put it more politely. And bless Billie’s cotton socks, she says she is just doing what Nina knows is necessary, because clearly something needs to be done because clearly Eloise has the hots for Patrick. Clearly.

Have her killed, says Billie. Break her legs.

Sidenote: Billie really is frightening sometimes, but fabulous. If any of us finds ourselves in a similar situation (doubtful) I hope we all are lucky enough to have a Billie on our side.

Billie returns to the table where she moves from interrogation to torture techniques, telling Eloise how beautiful Nina looks, positively glowing, most likely from all the great sex she and Patrick must be having. It is both impressive and impressively awful. Eloise, proving her smarts once again, makes a quick exit. The Proudmans really know how to treat guests.

From interrogation to devastation, we move to Dr Martin Clegg who is trying valiantly to get on with life but is actually coping rather badly without Cherie. He is shouting at staff -- in typical Clegg fashion he only shouts random words in a sentence, just to keep it sufficiently weird -- he’s rude to Kim and Nina and is basically being a nightmare. So far it’s not out of the realm of plausibility (stapler throwing aside), but more on that later.

Nina puts Martin on the backburner for now and instead zeroes in on Eloise. Coming off the back of a very Billie dinner Eloise is now faced with a patient who insists on extolling the virtues of Patrick. “Yeah, yeah, you have to be professional about him but I don’t”. I really love this scene, the patient Joelene is warm, effusive, and frankly it’s like she’s saying everything I am thinking. But, unlike me, Eloise doesn’t want to hear about Patrick’s hotness so she leaves the room.

Nina being Nina thinks “I’ll have to sort this out”. NO YOU DON’T NINA, JUST LEAVE IT ALONE.

“I don’t want it be awkward, it’s better if these things are out in the open”. NO IT ISN’T NINA, IT REALLY ISN’T.

Then she asks Eloise if she has feelings for anyone in the hospital and I actually slapped my forehead. WHY DOES SHE DO THIS, WHY?

But I didn’t see this answer coming: “I actually have feelings for you,” says Eloise. Well that shut me up and set me back in my lounge chair.

And once that sinks in we call off the attack dogs, our hearts soften and our spirits become a little gayer, as it were. She doesn’t want our Patrick, phew!

(Oh Eloise, so much for that ladyboner witch hunt, you really deserve an apology.)

Then of course you realise why working at the hospital would be difficult for her, you can see the true hideousness of dobbing in Nina’s boyfriend, and also understand why she keeps turning up by Patrick’s side - he is the only one with a reason to resent her and yet also the only one who has been nice to her. Typical Patrick really.

Nina of course sees none of this, she is too busy marvelling at the idea of someone having a crush on her. This of course leads directly to a Neendream where she imagines the entire cast of Offspring - and, inexplicably, Matt Preston -- declaring their love for her. “Everything I do is for her”. Yes, it’s insensitive but also very funny.

Of course with that major revelation out of the way Nina now needs to hotfoot it to the Proudman residence at Jimmy’s behest. Is Nina freaking out just a tiny little bit? Of course she is, and her sister is too sharp not to notice.

“I’m getting some buzzing here,” says Billie, who seems to have a spidey sense for Nina’s emotional state. Neen-sense? It’s all a bit nonsense but who’s judging?

After getting the skinny on Eloise’s affections Billie cuts straight back to her own feelings. “I’m getting so many different reactions simultaneously: disbelief, pity for Eloise, and yeah, some envy.”

Plus: “You’re having lesbian fantasies about her aren’t you”.

“No,” says Nina, which means yes. Cue the Neendream.

A Nina lesbian fantasy is, shall we say, interesting. It includes nuzzling a rabbit, and that isn’t a euphemism but I really wish it was, there is also wavy hair, a soft focus lens and, wait, did we just row a boat back to the seventies? I wouldn’t have been surprised if we saw Stevie Nicks wandering along the shoreline. In fact, I think there was both leather and lace in Nina’s fantasy - there was definitely a white corset. Did it just get hot in here?

With an almost-kiss the dream is over (ugh, why do dreams always end just when you get to the good bit?) and it’s time for tacos (yes, really).

Poor Jimmy. Sweet Jimmy. He desperately wants to be a supportive partner and father so he is trying to find a job, but doing what? Billie didn’t hire him so a career in real estate is a no-go, but that still leaves him at a loose end. It turns out he has his heart set on working with children (awwww) but fears his public urination charge will hamper his chances (will it? really? it’s kind of strange considering helping your child wee in public is a necessary skill if you have a boy, not that I would ever do that sort of thing, noooooo, of course not).

The ever-helpful (not!) Geraldine is also quick to point out that his lack of educational qualifications will set him back (“but I didn’t say that was a bad thing”). Thanks for the support Mum! Never one to do things the ordinary way (he is a Proudman after all) Jimmy latches on to the idea of opening a taco stand. (The writers really did go all out for this revealing episode.)

Metaphors aside, this could actually be a stroke of brilliance. Does Geraldine think so? Nooooo. Does Billie? Of course not, she is the only Proudman offspring running a business thankyouverymuch. Nina is too busy eating tacos to offer an opinion (no, I can’t believe it either). Thank god for Philip who brings the much-needed encouragement and support; he really is a nice guy.

Except when he’s keep a diary of Geraldine’s drug and alcohol intake, then he’s kind of a killjoy. He actually says the words “substance abuse”, two words that no one ever wants to hear from their partner. I understand it comes from a place of love but he’s on shaky ground right about now and Geraldine, quite understandably, storms off.

That said, judging by the week’s new events, apparently these days men of a certain age like to express their love with a little neck choking in public, you know, just to emphasise a point. In hindsight perhaps some pedantic note taking isn’t so bad.

Geraldine does seem to be quietly going off the rails this season - or perhaps not so quietly, she is a fiery one - and I too don’t know whether I would caution her or just turn up with a nice pinot grigio. Probably the latter if I’m being honest (cheers).

Of course the character with a real drinking problem this episode is Martin. He does the inexcusable and freezes during surgery and then he does the unthinkable and gets a tattoo while blind drunk (from the tattoo parlour’s point of view, is that really legal? It seems worse than public urination to me). But that’s neither here nor there as he now has a lovely portrait of Cherie on his forearm, and even in extreme drunkenness he is still eloquent about his feelings.

He tells Patrick: “I was attempting to close my heart again, go back to the man I was, but it’s impossible”. Oh Martin.

But, as moving as that was (and it was, kudos to you Lachy Hulme), I can’t get past the treatment of Eloise. She of course feels the need to transfer to another hospital and Nina of course feels the need to confront her. Can you imagine if the person of your dreams suddenly turns up on your doorstep unannounced. Aside from needing to quickly run around the house hiding bras, underwear and other personal items, you would be freaking out. I have to say it again, poor Eloise. To add insult to injury Nina sat on her hamster, and no, that isn’t a euphemism either.

Thankfully Nina gave the hamster the kiss of life (let’s not even go there) and managed to convince Eloise to stay, and I for one am very happy about that. Now that she clearly isn’t after my Patrick (MY Patrick) I wish her no harm - no death wishes or leg breakages necessary. So she is infatuated with Nina, so what? Let’s face it, aren’t we all? Maybe not in sexy Flake-eating ways but definitely in the ‘wow, her eyes are so pretty and I want that dress’ ways. Perhaps now that the air has been cleared Eloise can start speaking in non-stilted sentences.

Finally, as amazing as this episode was I did notice the lack of Cherie and Darcy. I don’t like not seeing them every week. If you can hear me Cherie (and Darcy and Ray), come back!

Yes please (best bits)

Geraldine defending her wine consumption: “You haven’t counted for spillage here at all”.

It’s not as fun but I do love how the show makes a reference to Billie’s baby heartbreak without making it the entire storyline. It might be a small mention but it’s an effective one.

Mick receives hero status with this line: “I don’t give a flying fuck [about the interview] I just want to know that you’re ok”.

And much like the makers of Offspring I too am leaving the best until last. The best being, of course, Patrick talking to Nina's belly which was very sweet, and not nearly as cheesy as I would have expected. Plus he referred to himself and Nina as 'mum' and 'dad'.

Oh please (I’m calling bs on that one)

We were offered a rare surgery scene in this episode but it seems a tad unrealistic that the only four people in the operating room were Martin, Nina, Eloise and Patrick. I am no expert on these things so please correct me if I’m wrong. Also according to the experts on Twitter his accumulated 67 weeks of annual leave is entirely plausible (scary!).

Which brings me to Patrick who now apparently is back working at St Francis. How incredibly convenient, and very hastily done.

And yes I know Martin is devastated but would he actually put a patient’s life at risk? I’m not sure to be honest, it seems too dramatic even for him.

Regarding Matt Preston’s cameo appearance, I can only assume the head honchos at Ten said they needed a MasterChef crossover in Offspring. I do like Matt Preston, and it was funny, but it did stick out like a sore thumb.

Oh god, please, no (the awkward files)

There was so much awkwardness littered throughout this episode that it is hard to pick a standalone element but for me the cringe factor was Nina recoiling from what she thought was Eloise’s romantic advances. I hate to say it but it was a bit offensive. Did she think she was going to get lesbian germs? She’s a doctor, she should know you can get an antibacterial wash for that sort of thing. (Joking!)

Pretty please (sartorial splendour)

Billie styled her house to perfection for the magazine interview and as well as herself. Her white jeans and pretty colourful top was the very picture of glamorous Sunday casual. Speaking of Billie, it was sad to see her dreams start to fall apart this week but next week’s episode looks positively horrendous. What could her secret be? Feel free to start wildly hypothesising in the comments while I start preparing for another go through the emotional wringer.