As the Fatal Five approach the Boathouse, Vern says “boom, the nerves kick in”. That's what makes him nervous: seeing the restaurant. Apparently he'd thought he was just out for a stroll along the riverbank in a blue apron – it's come as quite a shock to learn he'll be cooking.

Inside the restaurant, Gary shames them by describing how hard his staff works, and Matt tells them they must make one breakfast dish for Boathouse customers. The contestants react as if this sounds really hard, instead of one of the easiest things they've had to do yet. George tells them that they'll be judged on three criteria: creativity, how well they work in the kitchen, and taste. Pretty revealing that he said taste last.

They have 90 minutes to prep their meals. Lynton says that this is long enough for a meal you make at home, but the pressure will really be on with people who want, you know, something good. The audience takes a mental note never have dinner at Lynton's place: you will be waiting for hours.

Lynton is also worried because he hasn't been through an elimination challenge yet. Plus, from the looks of him, he hasn't slept in several months. He looks exhausted. If only he could rest his head on our shoulder while we stroke his hair.

We now go to Vern telling us about his relationship with food and showing us a photo of him at the pyramids. This is bad news for Vern – the loser is always someone who's talked about their backstory during the episode.

Bad news for Christina too, though – she's lost her mind, judging by the fact that she's just put three enormous capsicums directly onto the stove. This is not the behaviour of a stable person. Gary reassures her by telling her that his oven is a tank. Christina wastes half an hour looking for the gun. She thinks it's important that she cooks her eggs perfectly, because if there's one thing people at a restaurant don't like, it is food that is not good.

Suddenly, the sword of Damocles switches unexpectedly to Daniel, who we had all assumed wasn't even in the competition, but was just there for decoration. But he could be in trouble, because we are getting a glimpse into his life, which is mainly spent emerging with glistening rock-hard abs from the water, and cooking for himself and his parents, who are also fit young men.

Meanwhile, Lucy is planning to make muesli, which should immediately get her not only eliminated, but deported. Muesli? You're cooking at a restaurant, not getting the kids ready for school, dammit.

Elsewhere, Lynton is running through his ingredients in a daze. He seems likely to pass out any minute now. Gary comes along to tell him everything he's doing is wrong. He takes the news well, though to be fair he's not technically conscious. And Gary's advice prevents him from making an avocado cream, which any sane person will say is a good thing.

Oh no! Lynton's backstory! He lost his properties! He rides a horse. Look at those thighs! He says he's got nothing to go back to if he's eliminated, showing he is so tired he's forgotten the existence of his wheelchair-bound sister.

Daniel is riding high on confidence, his dish looking strong and his hair falling into the food. Lynton is exactly the opposite – tired, insecure and short-haired, he can't find a soft avocado and life has never seemed harder.

Meanwhile Vern is making breakfast pizzas, which sounds like the dumbest idea since Lucy said she was making muesli. Outside the kitchen, Gary joins the other judges to tell George his suit doesn't fit and badmouth Lynton and generally mock the poor bastards working for him.

With 20 minutes to go, Lynton is considering curling up to sleep inside a saucepan, and Christina is panicking about making the correct amount of flatbread. With 10 minutes to go, Christina is still panicking, but Lynton is surging for a comeback, slicing off some slabs of bacon thick enough to repel small arms fire.

Gary brings in the contestants who aren't up for elimination, who will help serve and generally gloat. Gary tells everyone how clean Lucy is, but it's probably easy to be clean when you're making frigging muesli. Vern has burnt one of his pizza bases. He fails to take the hint.

As Lynton fries up his bacon, he says, “This storm's about to hit”, and indeed, he looks like he will, any minute now, beat someone up. Hopefully Kelty.

Orders begin to come in. Bizarrely, someone is actually ordering muesli. What is WRONG with people? Gary is getting excited, bouncing up and down like a slightly larger George. Lynton's hair has become manic. Christina's eggs won't bake in time. Rishi pops up to talk for no apparent reason. Christina's eggs still won't bake. Christina begins to suspect that the eggs have a grudge against her. She might have forgotten to turn the oven on. Gary tells her that the customers have cobwebs, the filthy little liar. Christina serves up some baked eggs. Gary tells her that they're “so overcooked it's dead”. But they're supposed to be – a live egg would be a chicken, and nobody wants to be pecked on the face while eating breakfast at a pleasant riverside location. Vern is struggling to keep up with the demand for his pizzas – it's pretty hard to roll out dough, stick it in an oven, and dump a bunch of raw crap on it, I guess.

“Come on, Vern, come on!” shouts Gary. “The biggest mistake I've made today is deciding to make pizza,” says Vern – we could have told him that. It's breakfast, for Pete's sake.

People are still ordering muesli. Look at Lucy, the smug cereal-mongering git. People are just insane. They're going to a restaurant to eat muesli. Not even Coco Pops: MUESLI.

Daniel is doing well with his croquettes – French for “unrecognisable objects” – but disaster strikes when they fall apart. And then just as quickly, non-disaster strikes when he fixes it. Phew, that was a tense and very brief moment!

Speaking of disaster, Vern's fish has bones in it, so maybe deciding to use fish was the worst decision he's made today. A customer is complaining, but honestly, the bones are TINY. Just eat them, you know? God some people are petty. Serves you right for ordering a fish pizza for breakfast in the first place.

Sensible people are ordering Lynton's bacon and eggs, which look as beautiful and delicious as Lynton himself. Samira pops up, apropos of nothing, to tell us they look “allegant”. High praise indeed.

Suddenly, Christina's baked eggs are returned. Judging by the state she's in, it seems likely they too have bones in them. Nobody's returning Daniel's croquettes, though: in fact, someone asks for another one, and so Daniel achieves every chef's dream; serving such small portions that the customer is still hungry.

The service is over, and so begins the part of the challenge that actually matters. Even though they're exhausted from the meaningless exercise they've just been through, they must serve up one more dish each for the judges.

First is Lynton's bacon and eggs, which obviously are wonderful, despite the fact there's beetroot on the plate.

Next come Christina's baked eggs. Christina is really happy with the flavours, but then everyone is always really happy with the flavours. If flavour was what won you Masterchef, then … well, I don't even know what would happen. It's too alien a concept. She cannily notes that overcooking the eggs would be bad, as would undercooking. She's certainly absorbed the theoretical side of cooking. And apparently it tastes OK, too.

And now Lucy's muesli, which is muesli. Matt begins a sentence with “what I love about this dish”, but I tune out because this sentence is undoubtedly terrible. It's muesli. It's muesli. The judges say nice things about the muesli, which does not change the fact that it is muesli, for god's sake, it is MUESLI.

And then Vern's fish pizza, which he took too long to make and which was a stupid idea and which sometimes had bones in it. Matt loves that Vern has brought them something creative, but you could serve silverfish bobbing in a glass of warm spit, and it would be creative. Not that his fish pizza is a silverfish bobbing in a glass of warm spit, but neither of them are breakfast. George wants more moisture in his pizza: “I want something to luuuubricate,” he burbles, inadvertently spawning a hit new catchphrase/ringtone.

Last is Daniel's croquettes and they're wonderful and clearly Daniel won't be going home to let droplets of water slide in slow motion down his chest any time soon.

Judgment time has arrived, which means it's time for Emma to talk, because why not. Noelene too – “one of them is going to go home,” she says, her grasp on current events staggering.

Daniel's is dish of the day, despite the fact that I'm still not really sure what it was. Christina and Vern are in the bottom two, however, despite Matt telling them that their flavours were great, and despite Lucy making muesli. Christina and Vern both stuffed up, but it was Christina's dish that the judges liked best, and so Vern is going home.

“It's all right guys, I've had a blast,” says Vern, in the manner of a man threatening to strangle your dog. The thunderous look of impotent fury on Vern's face is perhaps understandable: less understandable is the look on the face of Noelene, who stands to the side glaring at Vern as if to say: “This is not over – I am going to follow you home and kill you dead.”

But in the end, Vern must go home, stealing his MasterChef jacket as a souvenir. We are told that he is working on “The Umami Project”, so probably best we end it there, with just a quick pause to note that they've pretty much given up linking anything to “love” any more.