Slightly offended on behalf of Sydney's tanned, taut and plastastic socialites, I headed south last week to investigate what entitled their Melbourne counterparts to star in the local version of the franchise.
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What could those drab types south of the border create for Foxtel they couldn't film here for the 10 one-hour episodes?
But from the moment a cloud of perfume almost choked me as we entered a lift at the Crown Metropol for a cocktail party with the women of the show, it was clear why Sydney's wannabes were overlooked.
Think sequins, high hair, talons and pearly whites. Also clearly visible were black Amexs peeking out of the Louis Vuitton handbags.
''It's wealth and money, mixed with society, loads of events, a pecking order and incredible women with over-the-top lifestyles,'' said one insider. ''Sydney's fake from the faux tans to the faux labels. There may be style [but] there's no substance. Sydney girls borrow their Gucci dresses, Melbourne women take a weekend shopping spree to Dubai to buy them.''
So a quick introduction for you, Sydneysiders. Watch out, I predict more claws than last week's highly publicised throttle on Australia's Next Top Model, and more hairspray than a cast reunion of Wogs Out of Work.
Chyka Keebaugh: She of the incredibly high hair (set to be a trademark no doubt). Awesome and a chick's chick. Owns a catering business and the holder of many secrets. Well-connected and bubbly, one you want on your school committee.
Gina Liano: Way too scary to approach. S was reminded of Effie on crack after a session at Dancers. But we hear she's a top barrister. Watch out for this alpha female. She will take no one's crap.
Andrea Moss: Runs a multimillion-dollar plastic surgery business in Toorak. Didn't register on the S radar.
Janet Roach: So fabulous. So fun. Television gold. Nothing is secret or sacred with this twice-married mum, who is rediscovering freedom post-divorce.
Jackie Gillies: A psychic who spotted S's late grandfather's spirit before I had even entered the room (he had an urgent message for me, apparently). Hilarious and loud, great for a girls night out. Or in, for that matter.
Lydia Schiavello: Gorgeous. She'll be the peacekeeper between the spitfires.
Holmes is where her heart is
After a decade away from the Sydney spotlight, when they were both prominent faces on Channel Seven, Stan Grant and Tracey Holmes have settled back into family life in the city.
The couple are now comfortably ensconced in Glebe with their three boys John, 18, Dylan, 16, (to Grant's first wife, Karla) and their son Jesse, 12, and have recently been joined by the family pets, two cats and a dog, which have spent the past seven months in quarantine.
The duo - who moved to Hong Kong and then Abu Dhabi - have also become ambassadors for the Sydney Institute of Marine Science (SIMS) Harbour Hike (harbourhike.com), a walk to take in the harbour's foreshore paths, to be held on Father's Day.
''The Fantasea Harbour Hike, now in its third year, is so that people are not just aware of how beautiful Sydney Harbour is and what goes on in the landscape around it and all of these different fish and life that exists underneath the harbour, but that people actually take some ownership of it and some responsibility for it and understand this is our backyard,'' Holmes says.
''I've just come back from living in China, and the Chinese love beautiful environments. The minute they get any time off they flee from the city to go hiking in the mountains, and so many of them now come here and are in total awe; that you can just walk down the street to a beach with beautiful white sand and look straight across at the Harbour Bridge and the Opera House - two of the most iconic symbols in the world - and that it's free and it's clean.
''Any money raised is for SIMS, a combination of universities that have come together to do research into the variations of life underneath Sydney Harbour.''
Though Holmes is a beach girl (she was born in Manly), she enjoys inner-city life. ''I love exploring the waterways there,'' she says, dipping her toes in the water at Taronga Zoo Wharf.
Completing a PhD in the geopolitics of sport at the University of Technology, Sydney, Holmes is settled and chatty. ''I think everyone else had a problem, but we certainly didn't,'' she says, saying how the boys are happy at school and get along well. ''The boys have always lived with us; we sort of just got on with it. I had a husband, three sons, just add water and stir. They were six and three when they came to me. It was just what it was. This is what happens.''
One thing she can bank on is Grant's unpredictable working hours: he is a last minute no-show for S's interview due to a work commitment. ''We can't plan anything! Well, we plan lots of things and if he's there its a bonus but usually he's not,'' Holmes says. ''That's hard. I think there was one year when we were in Abu Dhabi and in the whole year we saw Stan seven weeks in total, But, you know, he loves his job. He's with Sky and NITV.''
Dash of Pepper on the go
Fashion blogger Nicole Warne, the in-demand fashionista who has just signed with IMG (blogging is big business), impressed at the Kerastase Paris Couture Styling event she hosted last week at the Ivy, admitting the social universe can take its toll. Even on those who do it for a living. Phew.
''I don't have a switch-off button but that's a choice - I prefer it that way; I'm part of that generation where we live and breathe social media,'' the garypeppergirl.com blogger said before hopping on a plane to Paris, where she is shooting with Lancome make-up. ''Instagram is the last thing I check before I go to bed and the first thing I check when I wake up.''
But even Warne says she can't keep up with all forms of social media, choosing not to concentrate on Twitter, despite an easy 19,000 followers.
''I can communicate a lot better through Instagram and Facebook,'' she says. ''One photo says 1000 words. I don't like to spread myself too thin.''
Bojana sizes up co-star talent
Serbian-born, Australian-raised actor Bojana Novakovic had an extra reason for wanting to work with comedian Josh Lawson in The Little Death, for which she flew in from her Los Angeles base last Sunday to start shooting on Monday.
Described as a laugh-out-loud story about ''sex, secrets, fate and fetish'', the film starring Lawson lured Novakovic to drop in for a whirlwind week to play his girlfriend.
When S managed to catch her before she rushed back to the US to continue work on the American version of Rake alongside Greg Kinnear and Miranda Otto, Novakovic confessed her own secret.
''I have always wanted to work with Josh,'' she said. ''I had a crush on him while we were at NIDA until I found out he was pursuing my two best friends as well!''
Novakovic, who starred alongside Mel Gibson in Edge of Darkness, said deciding to work on the flick - which explores the lives of five seemingly normal couples and also stars Lisa McCune and Lachy Hulme - was a no-brainer: ''When I read the script, I laughed out loud the whole way through.
''When something is that good on paper, it's really worth doing everything you can to be involved.''
Morsels
Filming for ABC1's drama Old School is due to start soon, with Two Hands director Gregor Jordan reuniting with Bryan Brown for the series and joining cast members Sam Neill, Damian Walshe-Howling, Peter Phelps, Malcolm Kennard and Sacha Horler. Jordan describes the eight one-hour episodes as ''like my first film Two Hands, a story about Sydney''. Produced by Aussie production company Matchbox Pictures, it will be distributed by NBC Universal internationally.
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There's no nanna-style knitting pose, but Julia Gillard makes her presence felt in the September edition of Vogue Australia, on shelves tomorrow, with Posh on the cover (pictured). Under the headline ''Femme Fatal: Why Australia Ousted Its First Leading Lady'', the subsequent story, ''What Women Want'', is sure to get even the most Botoxed of brows raised before Vogue Australia's Fashion's Night Out, coming up on September 5. ''It's a bit like orgasms,'' a veteran Labor Party adviser is quoted as saying in the eye-popping opening paragraph. FYI, it's a reference to voting at the ballot box. The workings of power have never been so, um, gripping.
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Peroni hosts lunch on Wednesday aboard luxury cruiser Ghost II to celebrate the launch of and its partnership with Mercedes-Benz Fashion Festival. With gifts to include a Missoni towel, it's little wonder Sydney's socialites are clamouring for an invitation. It doesn't hurt that international models Jordan and Zac Stenmark will be attending as well.