WHEN he was feeling good, Dale Skinner was the life of the party.
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But in his darkest moment, the young Wodonga father found himself hurtling at 110km/h towards a tree on a straight section of the Hume Highway.
The keen country footballer had not long separated from his wife and had just dropped his young daughter back with her in Benalla when the negative thoughts began to swirl, closing in and taking over.
It was not until the last second that Dale says something snapped. He hit the brakes and the car slid and spun, finally coming to a stop about a foot from the tree.
“You start thinking and those thoughts become a 3D movie and you convince yourself that you’re worthless, hopeless and you think what’s the point,” he said.
“I still, to this day, don’t know what it was that snapped me out of it.”
What he does know is he’s grateful it did.
Dale, 34, has bipolar disorder. His illness means life for the Sydney Swans fan is an emotional roller-coaster.
Historically known as manic depression, bipolar often makes itself known through “euphoric highs” of erratic behaviour and comes in several sub-types — including bipolar I and bipolar II.
While those with bipolar I experience full manic episodes, which can bring on hallucinations or even have a person believing they’re Jesus, the highs that come with bipolar II are milder and more likely to be passed off as “normal” behaviour.
Dale has bipolar II.
During his hypomanic episodes he has been known to shower his friends in drinks, while others with the same form of the disorder speed in their cars or get involved in fights.
But although those with bipolar II are not prone to completely losing touch with reality like those with bipolar I, they are at an increased risk of suicide because they’re are less likely to seek treatment for their hypomanic symptoms.
In fact almost 1 in 100 of those with untreated bipolar II will commit suicide every year.
That’s a rate 60 times higher than the general population.
Dale was 19 when he found himself first feeling very low and no longer enjoying the things he used to. He didn’t want to socialise, stopped eating, lost his appetite and drifted away from friends.
His doctor diagnosed him with depression.
But he didn’t think to mention the other symptoms he was experiencing — manic highs, feelings quite alien to depression.
In these highs, Dale says he doesn’t think, he just “does”, he can talk a lot more, becomes agitated and annoying to the point of being just plain rude.
And the hypomanic state mixed with alcohol brings on a euphoric but dangerous sensation.
“It’s the closest I’ve ever had to taking illicit drugs,” Dale explained.
“You are bulletproof. You don’t have any consideration about the money you’re spending.”
Dale said he believes his bipolar played a big part in the breakdown of his first marriage.
During the separation, his former wife commented that he never seemed to be happy.
It wasn’t until after the divorce, when Dale was 28, that a specialist in Melbourne diagnosed him with bipolar II.
It was nine years after a doctor had told him he had depression.
For others a correct diagnosis takes much longer. The average time between an incorrect depression diagnosis and correct bipolar diagnosis is 15 years.
Dale said many suffer with bipolar in silence, held back from getting help by stigmas and misconceptions about mental illness and a lack of awareness about bipolar in general.
He thinks education, beginning at school, is key to getting the public and doctors to understand there’s more to mental health than feeling blue.
“The word that always comes up when people talk about mental illness is depression. Depression is one part of mental illness but it’s not the only part,” he said.
“There’s bipolar and there’s a need to educate these people that when they seek professional help that they need to talk about their whole lifestyle and their emotional changes.”
For Dale, his bipolar diagnosis meant he was finally being correctly medicated.
He has since taken it upon himself to educate himself about his illness — crucial to challenging negative thoughts that tell him that he’s a burden, that it would be better if he wasn’t here.
He has four words he uses to focus on positive things — his daughter’s name, his new wife’s name, strength and fight.
“Sometimes you think that it’s better for everybody if you’re not here so no one has to worry about you but it’s actually the opposite,” he said.
“They would be so much worse off if you weren’t here.
“You have to remind yourself of it.”
Still he endures up and downs but thanks to the proper treatment his highs are generally not so lofty and his lows not so deep.
Exercise and healthy eating are a natural way to keep his endorphins up and a support network of family and friends are also an important part to staying well.
Dale is a keen member of the Murray Crays Football Club and uses his favourite music, like the The Beatles and the Hilltop Hoods, to settle his mind and calm himself down.
When he stops enjoying them he knows something isn’t right.
It certainly hasn’t all been smooth sailing since his diagnosis.
He’s had big crashes that have seen him literally unable to get out of bed, prompting doctors to review and change his medication.
In these dark days it was regular phone calls from the Wodonga Health Clinic that helped him hang on to life.
“It’s not an easy journey and for a long time I did it on my own but at the end of the day I have to be proud that I pushed through even after some weaknesses and suicide attempts,” Dale said.
Now remarried, Dale has found purpose talking to schools and clubs as a volunteer community presenter with the Black Dog Institute, opening people’s eyes to mental illness. The more he can talk to, the better.
Dale can still point out the tree that, about two years ago, was so close to granting his wish to die.
“Sometimes I drive past it and think I should have done it, or I wish it was successful, or sort of think I’m so much a failure I can’t even kill myself,” he said.
“Sometimes I look at it and I think ‘It didn’t get me’, there is a purpose for me here.
“There was a reason for it to be unsuccessful.”
The Black Dog Institute offers a bipolar self-test and other useful resources at www.blackdoginstitute.org.au.
Meanwhile volunteer presenter Dale Skinner runs a number of presentations with focuses on teenage depression, high school students and understanding mood disorders. To get your club, school or community organisation involved contact Dale on 0438 593 347.