The show began with the news that the voting lines had closed, due to the producers' well-placed distrust of TV watchers' ability to make decisions under pressure.

The finalists were of course pop-star and well-known magazine diet consultant Ricki-Lee; television icon and female Ray Meagher analogue Lynne McGranger; and footballing hobbit and fictional pteranodon David Rodan.

Each contestant had to perform, with their partners, a "judges' choice" dance, and a freestyle routine. Rodan's judges' choice was a quickstep, to which challenge he and his partner responded with a routine that was either a slightly stiff re-enactment of the nightclub scene from The Mask, or a Dick Tracy flipbook. He followed this up with the original and groundbreaking choice of a Michael Jackson routine. For both dances Rodan received perfect scores from the judges, an amazing achievement for a man who not only has no professional dancing experience, but is only thirty centimetres high.

Second up was Lynne McGranger, described by host Dan MacPherson as having "inspirational energy": in other words, she's heaps old. Lynne was asked to do a jazz number, in tribute to what was the most popular style of music at the time she first appeared on Home and Away. This was accompanied, for some reason, by a classic blues song. Lynne scored 36 points, one for every decade of her acting career. Lynne's second dance was a graceful and elegiac reflection on the fleeting nature of existence. Then it went all disco and Lynne and Carmelo started waving their arms around like muppets to a song from the Jerry Springer musical, symbolising Lynne's love of paternity tests. The number really showcased the veteran actress' peerless ability to open her eyes so wide you're absolutely sure she's going to kill you. Sonia noted that Carmelo was like the Italian dancing son Lynne never had, which was a cruel insult to her actual Italian dancing sons.

Ricki-Lee started with a paso doble. Less wacky than the other routines, there was no doubt in anyone's mind that Ricki-Lee and Jarryd were, technically, dancing. Following the routine, Ricki-Lee dropped a bombshell by revealing that unlike her first paso doble, this time she wasn't wearing zombie makeup. Ricki-Lee's freestyle dance was preceded by her heartfelt confession that she enjoys challenges. The dance itself was on a western theme, and featured Ricki-Lee singing, which is, let's not pussyfoot around it, cheating. It also seemed to only last about fifteen seconds, at the end of which Ricki-Lee revealed that she "blurs her eyes" so she can't see. Make of that what you will.

Of course, the stars of Dancing with the Stars aren't the only stars: there are also the judges. Each DWTS judge played their own special role in the finale: Adam Garcia provided truth bombs, as demonstrated by his revelation that during a paso doble, "you can't have weak feet". Helen Richey supplied the technical expertise, such as her advice to Ricki-Lee to "believe in yourself". Kym Johnson, of course, was there mainly to threaten to poke people's eyes out with her terrifying pointed shoulders. And Todd McKenney was there for his wit and all-round joie de vivre. "Break a hip!" he chirped happily at Lynne. "What I really admire about you is your work ethic," he beamed at Ricki-Lee, looking so cheerful you barely noticed how insulting that was.

After round two, there were only six points separating the three finalists, which meant it came down to the votes of the viewers who hadn't seen any of the dances. And those viewers decided: Ricki-Lee had to go.

The final therefore came down to a battle between Rodan and McGranger, who embarked on their final dance – the "people's choice encore". Lynne's dance was a Blues Brothers spoof, cleverly choreographed to allow Lynne to spend a considerable amount of time just sort of walking around. "I love your face," said Garcia, desperately trying to find something to focus on besides the dancing.

Rodan's final dance was to a Justice Crew song, which for some reason didn't result in automatic disqualification. He began the dance with a backflip, which was a bit unfair, given Lynne wouldn't have lived through it if she'd tried that. The routine was a huge hit, causing the audience to applaud wildly with their weird glowy stick thingies.

And so, several hours after the finale began, and several minutes before the show exceeded the running time of the entire Korean War, we reached the final verdict, the moment that would make it all – all the waiting and anticipation; all the tedious flashbacks; all the dull rehearsal scenes; all the gutsy punk rock anthems by Charli XCX featuring scathing anti-establishment lyrics like "I don't wanna go to school"; all the weird out-of-sync audio glitches; all the hilarious Guy Sebastian hip-hop songs; all the backstage interviews; all the ads for the new season of MKR where Pete Evans accuses all the contestants of giving him autism – that would make all of that worthwhile.

The judges' scores were so close that it all came down to the viewers' verdict, which had been determined before the show started. Thus making the entire finale pointless.

And then David Rodan won, thus breaking Home and Away's stranglehold on Australian culture. And if we learnt one thing from the whole experience, it was this: it would've been more fun with Mark Holden.

Well done to @DROD_15 and @MelanieACHooper for winning this season of #DancingAU. pic.twitter.com/EeStCQxCmP — Official DWTS AU (@DancingAU) November 25, 2014

Our @Summer_Bay Stars might be far from the bay. But they sure look at home on the #DancingAU stage! pic.twitter.com/0KUfs7ga7o — Official DWTS AU (@DancingAU) November 25, 2014