My husband has just finished night shift after two decades, working 4pm to midnight. Only one week in, the house is a shambles and we need a new world order ASAP.

In the past we had clear house rules; whoever was home did the job. I took out the bins on Sunday night and cleaned the bathroom; he did the washing during the day when it could be hung out to dry. I placed an online grocery order fortnightly; he topped up the milk and bread supply during the week. Tuck shop was my duty, but he thrived when thrown in at the deep end of the canteen twice.

Come last week, our blissful domestic roster went out the window. 

I had new responsibilities now and was in trouble on the toy front by Monday afternoon. My daughter’s room was a raging sea of Lego Friends, which are more enemy-like when they meet your feet. The Labradoodle stood on a pile of Lego bricks and hopped around for two long minutes; with my daughter yelling: "What’s wrong with Polly!?"

On Monday night I listened to our eldest read, then logged on to Reading Eggs for the preschooler. My husband was home in time to bath them, which suited me fine because they never want to get out of that tub. Backup would be welcome!

I put them to bed and joined my husband on the sofa.

"What are you watching?” I say.

“Monday night league,” he says.

“Hmmm,” I say, “Never heard of it!” I’m too tired to mention we’re missing Australian Story.

On Tuesday I conquer new territory - school pick-up. I make shepherd’s pie to feed us for two nights, thinking we can handle this new world order. 

However, come Wednesday morning we’re out of wholemeal bread for the girls and rye for me; loo paper is low by Wednesday! My husband scribbles out a lunch order for our eldest but forgets to put money in the bag. Looking through our eldest’s school bag to sign her reading folder I notice the empty lunch bag and throw in $5.20.

Later when I pick her up I notice the front of her uniform is filthy.

“Did you fall over?” I ask.

“No, nachos,” she says, “They were out of sausage rolls!”

Indelicately I text my husband to seek instructions on washing delicates in the front loader. 

That night my husband joins our eldest and me watching House Rules on Yahoo 7; it’s his first time. During the room reveals he starts counting the "Oh my gawds!”.

I say: "You're spoiling it for us!"

"Fourteen," he says, "All right. I'll stop.”

Right on cue they say: "Oh my gawd!"

"15," he says, "I'll leave!"

When my husband arrives home late Thursday and turns on the coffee machine, I flick the switch off.

"No milk," I say, "The dog got the last of it on her Weetbix; we’re out of dog food!”

On the weekend we do a big shopping order; Nord must have missed us because when my husband buys two loaves of Danish rye, the baker throws in a third.

So in the spirit of Channel 7’s renovating show grand final on Monday, we've settled on a new set of House Rules:

1) Style our dishwasher clean daily

2) Give us one uncluttered room 

3) Stock the pantry/fruit bowl often

4) Choose a TV channel and stick with it

5) We have 50 years to complete this makeover.