Von can still picture the large calloused hands of the male staff member who touched in between her legs as he lay next to her on a sick bay bed.
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She was nine-years-old and it was the weekend. Macarthur Street Primary School was otherwise isolated. Von can’t remember how many times she was sexually abused by the staff member – who developed a particular liking to the young school girl.
“I used to go over and play on the monkey bars on the weekend and I was there on my own. Sometimes in winter it was a bit drissly and it had rained. This time I fell of the monkey bars straight in a big puddle of water and he appeared,” Von said.
“And because I knew him I wasn’t frightened – he was telling me that I should get changed out of the clothes and there were spare clothes in the sick bay.”
Von says the man held her hand and walked her through the rooms into the sick bay in the middle of the school and told her to strip off her clothes right down to her underwear. He then sexually abused Von.
“I remember big old callous filled hands and I remember it being very painful – but that’s the only memory. I remember feeling a lot of pain in my pelvis and my vagina.”
Von put her clothes in a plastic bag and walked home. The year she was abused was 1980. She didn’t tell anyone of her abuse intil 1997.
Centre Against Sexual Assault Ballarat manager Shireen Gunn is urging women abused in institutions to come forward.
“The majority of the people we work with are female survivors of recent of childhood sexual assault. That is our core work,” Ms Gunn said.
“From institution survivors we are seeing more males come through – especially from the clergy abuse. The royal commission are commenting that for some reason males are more likely to be abused outside of the home and institutions.”
But there are many women who have been abused in institutions – many who seem to be less vocal than male survivors.
“(There are women) who are feeling like they aren’t being heard. It’s when people express concern (such as this) that is noted and we bring it to the attention that this service is for men and for women.”
Von attempted to suppress her feeling for years. The birth of her second child in 1997 sparked the beginning of what she described as her “spiral out control”.
“When I had my second daughter – that was when things really started to come to the surface. I was a very protective mother and when I had two children I realised I was never going to be able to know where both of them were all the time. I felt really out of control,” Von said.
Her nervousness and anxiety manifested itself deeply, leaving Von on edge and stressed out – but she managed to hold the flashbacks off for another 14 years. Von read an article in The Courier where it was mentioned that 17 institutions had been named, including Macarthur Street Primary school.
“Once I had read that article I seemed to spiral out of control. Even though I was aware I had been abused it was in the back of my mind,” Von said.
Von, who says she has been abused many times at different periods in her childhood, was experiencing physical and emotional pain.
“I began having panic attacks and they wouldn’t be anywhere particularly triggering,” Von said.
Von’s breath was short and her mind would be racing. Those symptoms grew tenfold after Von discovered Macarthur Street Primary School had been named as an institution where multiple cases of abuse had occurred.
The feeling of guilt surged through Von’s body.
“I had had intitally thought that I was just one person and that it (the abuse) was just done to me, and then to see Macarthur Street listed, it was a shock and I realised that of course there were other people,” Von said.
“I felt alot of guilt…. I thought if I’d spoken up as a child maybe this wouldn’t have happened to them.” Von contacted CASA the next week and was counselled for two years before feeling like she was able to move forward and to continue life again. She joined an art therapy class with other women who had been abused. For the first time there were people who could relate to Von’s experience. But the process was not completely smooth.
One day Von was presented with a piece of clay. The wet, slightly dank earthy smell immediately evoked a memory Von did not realise existed.She was 10-years-old and in an underground room at the school. The same callously hands were touching her body.
“I was distraught. I was a mess. I was confused. Up until that time I believe the abuse had only occurred once and I was devastated to learn that it had occurred more than once.”
Von now rarely has a panic attack. While the focus of the royal commission on clergy abuse has been challenging for Von she is pleased that people have acknowledged that abuse did happen and lives were, and continued to be, destroyed.
For Von, the Loud Fence movement has given her a voice. Founder Mauren Hatcher said she hoped the movement would continue in Ballarat to ensure no child was ever abused again.
"Loud Fence would like all schools and organisations to encourage survivors to tie ribbons as a show of support and as part of their healing,” Ms Hatcher said.
CASA: 5320 3933 Crisis care: 1800 806 292.