MATERIAL GIRL: Jodie Bruton on the iPhone X launch 2017

TEN years ago in New Zealand I caught the end of the television news about Apple’s newest innovation.

While it looked smart enough, the iThing was not even on my radar as I had just returned from maternity leave to working a sociable three hours a week on a newspaper in downtown Wellington.

My world was most accurately summed up as iFeed, iChangenappies, iSleepsometimes and iSubthenewzealanderonwednesdaymornings. (I spent my first fortnight’s wages from that job on a new pair of smart sneakers, rather than saving up for the world’s first smartphone!)

However, the iPhone was completely out of my range in more ways than one.

Being something of a Luddite, I had even rejected a baby monitor for our first-born arguing our timber terrace was so tiny we’d hear our daughter from anywhere. When I later learnt our closely-settled Kiwi neighbours could hear all the goings-on in each other’s houses due to the close proximity of their baby monitors, I knew we’d made the right decision. Who doesn’t love an awkward street breakfast catch-up!? Pass the berries please! More coffee anyone!?

Now Apple’s 10th anniversary smartphone, the iPhone X, will be officially unveiled at 3am on Wednesday (Australian time).

Apple sent out invites – I’m still waiting for mine – to a launch event in its newly-built Steve Jobs Theatre on its new campus, where it's also expected to unveil the iPhone 8 and 8 Plus.

To be fair, I’m probably not their biggest client. Over the past decade I’ve had two iPhones; one of them a work phone. While I know mobiles are handy, the fancy features are a little wasted on me.

Let’s consider the rumoured specs of the iPhone X:

  •  New design with an “all-glass” construction – Like the glass KeepCup, this may sound good in theory but I’m not convinced it’s totally practical. Can your toddler be trusted with your glass phone? Maybe I’m just taking a glass half-empty approach!
  •  71x143x7.4mm – Everyone knows size doesn’t matter.
  •  Wireless charging support – Unnecessary in our home as my husband is in charge of the charging.
  •  Apple A11 chip – Remove the A11 and you’re likely left with a semi-healthy lunch box treat.
  •  Rear-facing Touch ID sensor – This sounds dodgy at best and illegal at worst!
  •  iOS 11 with improved Siri, P2P payments – Hasn’t Siri been asked to put up with enough already? My six-year-old taunts her routinely. “Who’s your BFF Siri?” “What do you mean you don’t have friends!?”
  •  Face-scanning technology – Seriously! So long as it comes with flattering filters like Snapchat does.
  •  Vertical dual cameras on rear – Does my bum look big in this … phone!?
  •  Support for LTE speeds up to 450Mbps – Slow and steady wins the race.
  •  5.8in 2.5D OLED edge-to-edge display – This mix of numbers and letters does my head in.

Apple will stream the iPhone launch event on its website from 10am Tuesday (American time).

There’s every chance I’ll be otherwise engaged.

Footnote: I still have the same runners I got in Wellington a decade ago. Sadly, the smartphones get a bigger workout than my smart sneakers!