Shock! Katie Holmes is being followed by either paparazzi or Scientologists. Revealed! She had a secret escape plan. OMG! All of Tom Cruise's wives were 33 at the time of divorce.
With sealed divorce papers and only short, boring statements from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, gossip websites are relying heavily on their secret "sources", speculation and simple arithmetic to get to the bottom of the high-profile split.
TMZ has exclusive photos ... of two cars.
The white Cadillac Escalade and black Mercedes SUV have been seen near Holmes's apartment in New York City and the website claims the actress fears she is being followed by Scientologists.
Oh yeah, there is also a publication that is tailing her, the website reported.
TMZ gave this insight into the situation: "It is unclear if the two vehicles that have been constantly spotted near Holmes's pad are from Scientology or from the publication."
Media mogul Rupert Murdoch also put in his two cents.
"Watch Katie Holmes and Scientology story develop. Something creepy, maybe even evil, about these people," he tweeted.
Also creepy and evil, apparently, is the number 33 with several publications pointing to the fact Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes were all that age when they split from Cruise.
"We did some research and the Hubbard Association of Scientologists, the forerunner of the Church of Scientology, was established in Phoenix, Arizona. And Phoenix lies on the 33rd parallel. Hmm…" wrote Perez Hilton, who is obviously aspiring to Woodward-Bernstein style reportage.
"According to numerology, 33 is the 'Master Teacher'. It is regarded as a representation of spiritual progress and the spread of positive energy.
"And that's exactly what Scientology preaches - global betterment."
Cruise, who released a statement that he is "deeply saddened" by Holmes filing for divorce, has been photographed looking blurry in a helicopter in Iceland - where he is filming Oblivion.
And The New York Post leads us to believe that poor old Cruise was unaware of a secret escape plot by Holmes.
The actress rented a secret "hideaway" in New York City's Chelsea neighbourhood to escape with the couple's daughter Suri.
"Sources" said the marriage and birth of Suri was all part of a $20 million contract.
"Katie thought that it would really help with her career. And that she'd be Nicole Kidman. But then she was locked down at home, just playing baby mama," the source said.
The Daily Mail reported Holmes had purposefully filed for divorce in New York, where judges favour one parent having sole custody, so she could remove Suri from the Church of Scientology.
The website reported the couple have been raising Suri in line with the teachings of the church, which state children should be given "all the love and respect granted adults".
And what now for Suri?
She's gone to the Cayman Islands with her financier to consider seeking sole custody of herself.
No, not really - that's just the fun fiction of the popular blog "written" by the stylish six-year-old, Suri's Burn Book.
Comedians also ripped into the divorce news, with writer Neal Brennan retweeted thousands of times for this: "CNN: Katie Holmes hostage situation ends".