Episode 1: “Two Swords” aka “Stabby, Stabby”

The episode begins with everyone’s favourite evil uncle, Tywin Lannister, overseeing the destruction of Ice, the Stark family sword. Made of Valyrian steel and passed down through generations, its fate is to be smelted down and converted into two swords for the Lion kings.

Tywin bestows the first upon his prodigal son, Jaime, who’s working hard to overcome not only his lack of a limb, but the loss of his frosted blonde highlights. Tywin wants Jaime out of the Kingsguard, and back to Casterly Rock to rule as his heir. There’s a certain irony in Tywin having to stay in the capital because he’s Hand of the King, and Jaime being told to leave because he’s one hand short.

The Kingslayer, though, is having none of it - he refuses to break his oath and vows to fight on as a southpaw, even though he will tragically never be able to high ten anyone ever again.

In a humorous transition, we see Joffrey in much the same pose overseeing wedding security arrangements with Jaime and fellow Kingsguard Ser Meryn. Joffrey doesn’t miss a chance to play a round of “You’re old and busted; I’m the new hotness” with his unky-dad, who remarkably is able to resist punching him over and over in his stupid, stupid face hole with his poundy golden fist.

Speaking of a pounding, I must say, I’m going to enjoy Oberyn Martell. Not only is the Prince of Dorne - or Inigo Montoya, as we’ve nicknamed him - interested in great swathes of revenge against the Lannisters for causing the death of his sister Elia during the sack of King’s Landing, but he and his “paramour” Ellaria are rather into group sex as well. If only naked Twister had been invented in Westeros, I’m sure we’d see an Emmy-award-winning display of it.

Poor Tyrion seems to be having a rough trot: mocked by Bronn for his attempts at Dornish diplomacy; scorned by Sansa who is still deeply in mourning for her murdered family; and unable to meet Shae’s demands for more intimacy, he’s got worry lines crowding his lovely face.

Up at the wall, Jon Snow is mourning his brother Robb, while getting ready to face the music over his misadventures with the wildlings. The slimy Janos Slynt is now at Castle Black, after being exiled from King’s Landing early last season. He huffs and puffs along with the pigheaded Alliser Thorne about the need for punishment, but it’s the kind Maester Aemon who lets J-Sno off the hook.

Not far away, his one-time spelunking partner Ygritte is readying herself for the wildling attack on The Wall. But, despite being jilted enough by Jon Snow to hit him with a couple of arrows in the final episode of season three, her wildling leader is still not impressed.

Across the Narrow Sea, Daenerys’ march through the cities of Slaver’s Bay continues, with her big gang of freed slaves is heading towards Meereen. She’s still a loving mama to her dragon babies, but the trio is starting to get feisty, particularly when there’s a dead goat up for grabs.

Sadly, the long-haired blond Daario Noharis (Ed Skrein), aka Faabio, has departed, with a new actor (Michiel Huisman) taking on the role. His accent is less swarthy but his appearance is more so. Maybe we should call him Maario instead?

Finally, we get to see how Arya is faring with The Hound, a man who’s really proving to have some dogged determination (sorry). He refuses to let Arya get her own horse, and plans to sell her to her crazy Auntie Lysa of the Vale. But a chance run-in with some Lannister soldiers - including one who murdered her friend Lommy and took her sword Needle - at a tavern turns their relationship on its head. Quietly furious at the soldiers’ arrogance, The Hound rejects their scummy demand for “time” with Arya by rejecting their faces with his fists.

At one point, Arya picks up a longsword and calmly squooshes it into a bad guy’s gut. She then brings the killer to his back, and recites back to him the words he said to the injured Lommy. She then achieves ultimate badass status by piercing his neck with Needle … and enjoying it.

Yay! Best Moment.

When Jaime clumsily waves goodbye to the dodgy maester using his new golden hand. I seriously think I might have to spearhead a #teamjaime hashtag this season.

Zing! Best Lines.

I must admit to having a deep and abiding love of a beautifully contextualised and well-delivered C-bomb, and The Hound did not disappoint.

Arya: "Lots of people name their swords."

The Hound: "Lots of c---s."

Ewww, gross

You’d think the Thenns spit-roasting an arm would be enough to freak you out, but then this is the series that’s had babies in jars of goo and breast-feeding six-year-olds.

Boo, sucks

I’m not happy about that random new maid of Sansa’s overhearing all of Shae’s sexy talk with Tyrion. Could this be the reason we saw the little lion in chains in all those pre-season trailers?