SCHOOL holidays are here before you know it and then gone in a flash.
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While it’s often a balancing act for families, we can always look forward to the high jinks, comedy and inevitable drama of kids doing downtime.
The school holidays, however, rarely run to script.
ACT I, Scene 1
Six-year-old: I’ve seen a really pretty swamp.
Mum: Nice one! Where did you see a pretty swamp?
Six-year-old: On Minecraft. I can find it for you.
Mum: Never mind!
Scene 2
The characters trade Minecraft for bushcraft during a farm stay way out west.
Mum: How good is it to get off our devices for a whole weekend?
Six-year-old: Whatevs!
Mum: How pretty are the canola crops?
Ten-year-old: (Sneezes) Can we do just one Boomerang in the crop?
Have four attempts at a Boomerang (mini video that loops back and forth) before joining the rest of the family in the ute, idling for the past 10 minutes.
Ten-year-old: You did remember to save it, didn’t you Mum?
Mum: Please tell me you’re joking!
Ten-year-old: Please tell me you’re joking!!
Scene 3
Four cousins collect skinny sticks after a sausage sizzle in the paddock to toast marshmallows.
They climb sheep and cattle yards, run through sheep pens until their cheeks glow red, get filthy dirty and smell of campfire.
Digital detox complete. #doneanddusted
ACT II, Scene 1
Driving to Albury railway station
Mum: Why is my radio tuned to Triple J instead of ABC Goulburn Murray?
Ten-year-old: Dad!?
Listen to live body piercing on Triple J. You’d never get that with Joseph Thomsen.
Scene 2
Two mums with two daughters apiece, Arts Centre Melbourne, State Theatre Melbourne, The Australian Ballet’s production of Alice in Wonderland, Row N, first interval
Mum 1: Is it possible to lose two kids already?
The remaining two children and one mum go in search of the others through the rabbit warren-cum-arts centre. Meanwhile the original two turn up. Now we’re only missing three in our party.
Mum 2: Where’s the Champagne bar?
Scene 3
The Globe Pop Up Theatre, Sidney Myer Centre, 15 minutes into first act (show running time 2.5 hours)
Mum 1: Will the kids hate me forever?
Mum 2: Probably.
Six-year-old: I have no idea what they’re saying. And I’m hungry!!
Mum 1: Wherefore art thou food trucks?
Six-year-old: What did you say?
Scene 4
V/Line, Car C, low on data, phone battery, water and sleep
Mum 1: Who’s using my data?
Kids 1-4: Not me!!
ACT III, Scene 1
Homemade lemonade stand, East Albury
Ten-year-old: Where is everybody? How long have we been standing out here?
Seven-year-old cousin: It’s been for ages!
Mum: It’s been 12 minutes.
Ten-year-old: We need to do more marketing. Can you advertise it on your Insta?
Mum: I can’t promise it would help; maybe Uber-DRINKS though.
Happy school holidays all!